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19 November 2010 @ 02:31 am
Heeeeey Live journal, long time no see. Twitter has swept me away, what with it not requiring me to formulate thoughts into coherent paragraphs and all. Ah, the wonders of micro-blogging.

Anyway, posting because I realized something tonight. I am frantically, randomly chasing something extraordinary. I say that because my cousin and I have been dabbling in Wicca, something I don't believe in in the least, but am compelled to plow forward with because it's the closest thing to "magic" I can find. I'm willing to run headlong into anything that offers the possibility of the supernatural - urban exploration, ghost walks, Ouija boards, seances, Wicca - even though I'm completely skeptical about all of it. I don't believe in magic, in ghosts, in God, in a universal truth or order or power. But the thought that there isn't something more - that I'll never catch a glimpse of something odd, let alone find that great mysterious adventure I've read about my whole life - is really...disheartening.

Anyway, I feel bad. My cousin is into the Wicca, and our third - a step-cousin - is also into it, and I'm the one sitting there trying not to laugh, because I'm getting nothing from this, don't believe in this, but can't bow out, because what if?

It's not like this keeps me up at night. I'm not tearing at my hair over it, but sometimes it's hard to ignore...like when your circle-mates are content interpreting the rustling of leaves as the presence of a ghost, or the tingling of cold fingers and toes as the signs of a universal power being channeled through them, and are really...getting something extraordinary, something more, out of this. ...Aaaand you're sitting there with a numb butt trying not to ruin it for them, waiting for a ghost to pull on your hair, or rain to fall from the sky, or some kind of quantifiable proof of something that isn't there.

Anyway, anyone else ever get that feeling? Utter frustration at the complete and total lack of, I dunno, magic or shinigami or shape-shifters or talking spider-tanks or giant robots out there?

Or more likely I need to stop reading so many goddamn paranormal books and manga.